This
story narrates the seven last days of the life of Kumar Rajiv, a famous Indian
writer who finds the final happiness of his life in loneliness. He is writing
his last thoughts which are the object of this script. (Notice that we'll see
on the screen the hand writing in hindi with the voice-off in english).
I
have for a long time observed man on his treadmill. Having lived modestly I
finally met with success as a writer. This way I traveled around the world. I
mixed and interacted with the great intellectuals of my generation. I was
admired and known by all, until the day one of my books was judged too radical.
This brought my downfall. A warrant of arrest was issued, I fled India.
Fifteen
years of Humiliations.
Fifteen
years of sufferings which have brought the ruin upon my life. No friends left
on whom to rely. Only my wife remained by my side in those times of mistrust
and conspiracy.
Now,
having reached the twilight period of my life, I have relinquished all hopes
and attempts of justifying myself in the eyes of men or even expecting my
redemption from them. In this loneliness, I may be more happy and content than
most of them.
I
write these pages alone with myself, without any other desire than that of an
old man who has renounced this world.
From
time to time as the sun sets I sit on the quiet banks of the lake. There,
reflecting upon the slow riples that play on the water, my senses and my soul
comes to a point of stillness.
Coming,
going, this slow aquatic melody substitutes my stream of consciousness and
makes me feel fully my existence.
The
instability of wordly things come to me as reflection on the water.
From
what do we obtain contentement in this kind of state? Nothing outside oneself,
nothing but oneself and one's existence. This moment of detachment from all
others is in itself precious happiness and peace, sufficient to live existence
fully, possible for one who could renounce worldly desires.
Emancipated
from the tumult of earthly and social passions, my soul often takes flight over
the atmospheres, and mingles with those celestial minds with whom I shall soon
dwell.
This
is the sequence of the dialogue between Kumar and his son who comes to visit
him.
This
will be talked in Hindi. Translation is not done yet.
My
body is heavy. Cold. Unbearable.
I
take my leave near my body as I feel death drawing near and I expect nothing
from it.
However,
from time to time, in the midst of my insomnias, I am grabed by a doubt. My
body freezes and I feel fear until at last I slumber. Then I wake up, my fear
is gone. I am ready.
I
think of a lover who focuses his attention on the object of his love and whose
body trembles at the sight of this being. I envy him.
At
the heart of my solitude, I am feeding myself with same feelings as those of my
childhood, and I share them with the imaginary beings of my creation. They
really exist and I know they will betray me. They will remain here as long as
my misfortune will last and will support me until the end.
Today
marks the fiftieth anniversary of my first meeting with Miss Aditi Singh. She
was twenty-eight and I was seventeen. My temperament was affirming itself - I
was then unaware of it. She was discovering ardent nature, yet soft and modest.
My
initial relationship with her was as her student, later as her lover.
This
first moment wrote the main lines of my life.
I
had to stretch this state where love and innocence coexist in the same heart.
She put me off but everything drew my back to her, and in this movement my
destiny took its shape. Long before I possessed her I lived only for her and
through her.
Ah!
if only my heart had sated hers as hers sated mine!
There
has not been a single day that I haven't recalled these brief shining days. Had
they not been there, I would not have found this confidence... because all my
life I have been shaken and torn so that I could hardly distinguish what in me
was mine. Only in that brief moment can I say that I have lived. And I always
knew that it wouldn't last though I'd sworn to make it last an eternity.
© Micha‘l J. Kummer, 2003. All rights
reserved.